grasping at

What to do when you’re blue? Call in sick and head out thrifting instead. Among the little treasures I found was this lovely straw hat:

It makes me feel like I should be in that boat with Robin Fennel in A Girl in Winter, or maybe like I am Robin.

some kind of magic in the way you’re lying there

It was nice, for a while, to imagine my life might be different, to have something to look forward to. Some people like a blank slate, a chance to reinvent themselves, but I know who I am and what I want, and I worry that what I want isn’t out there. I feel like no one gets me, and not in an adolescent way — in a fundamental way, I feel like very few people get it. And I’m back where I was, living in my head, hoping I’ll find a new way of living my life, but worried — and a little defeated.

it’s gonna be officially summer

Last night, I…

… wore my new sundress printed with birds
… sweated like crazy while making dinner with Kimmy
… went with Kimmy to get Sweet Berry (Tangy Sweet / Pink Berry hybrid knockoff)
… turned on my air conditioner

Now I’m drinking hot coffee and watching Hotel Babylon. I was awake at 8am because the cats can never let me sleep in. Today, Kimmy and I will go to PHills to clean up The Capitan a.k.a. Cappy the new Taurus. Listening to all the tapes we made in college has got me nostalgic.

God bless

Though we hosted many cookouts at the Motel in the tiny, tiny front yard, I was very excited to have people over to our ginormous yard yesterday:

We set up some tables and put out some food and let our guests do the rest:

Croquet was played throughout the day:

And we drank “American Champagne”:

I started writing this journal 9 years ago, on July 1, 2000. Things have changed so much, it seems. I like where I ended up.

bed head

Here’s hoping the curtain rod holds.

prey

A wee friend came to visit today. I do not like how it turned its head to look at me.

Yesterday’s thrifting adventures brought some curtains for behind my bed, white wrought-iron wall sconces, some small wooden frames for post cards, a large wooden frame for an as-yet-undetermined piece, a leather belt with a horse belt buckle, white sandals, navy wedges, a green cardigan, cut-glass juice glasses, and four milk-glass pieces. I feel overwhelmed but satisfied. One of the best parts about thrift-shopping is going on what feels like a shopping spree and then realizing you’ve only spent $23.00. I am excited that perhaps my walls won’t be so bare anymore.

For now, I will be content with cat-decor:

a girl in summer

This came in the mail today:

If you need me, I’ll be on my bed in front of the fan in my white cotton slip, reading it.

breathe the air & walk around

I want open, I want air; I want open & cozy. I want a treehouse. I am happy with the hot coffee I have right now, and a new thrifted belt with tooled birds.

i sang, i sang all day / i sing a small sing

I’ve been feeling so distanced from my friends lately. I suppose it’s only natural to grow apart and then back together, back and forth, over time. I really dislike always feeling like I need to justify my interests or how I spend my day. Just because a day is “beautiful” by someone’s standards doesn’t mean I need to be outside. My idea of a beautiful day is a cold autumn one. I always feel like I’m not being a good enough friend, a good enough roommate, a good enough daughter, a good enough sister… not to mention a good enough employee. But I need to resist the urge to retreat. I think, for me, for now, it’s better to keep engaging, to keep saying yes.

My room is still not as inviting as I’d like. I haven’t decided what to do about curtains at the windows. I like sheer ones, but I feel so exposed. I’m thinking of hanging these as my curtains, one at each window:

But then I couldn’t do a tree stencil on my wall. Hmmm.

I always take photos at my window. I like how I look in sunlight, in the morning.

Flower Scarlet, Flower Gold

Here I am, still living in my head but liking it, I think. I’ve been trying to make my room into the space I want. The funny thing is how much I like having a small room. In my old room at the Motel, I always felt overwhelmed by the size, though I did love the window seat. But here I have my wooden chair by the window, and that is nice.

Where I always have a problem is with the wall space around my bed. My room is too small to put my bed anywhere but in a corner, so there is wall above the head and one side of my bed, which is just too much space for framed things alone. What I would love to do is hang an old window over the head, instead of a headboard, but that would be dangerous. Then I realized that, frankly, I always really loved having a canopy bed when I was little. I like my bed to be a little place of solace and hiding-out. So to combine my desire for a window with my love of canopies, I’ve decided to hang curtains on the wall at the head of my bed. Now I just need to get thrifting and find a good set. I debated using the ones that are currently at my windows…

and replacing those, but they are a pale yellow, and so are my walls, so unless I actually get the initiative to paint my room pale blue again, I’d have curtains that match the walls, which wouldn’t really create any visual interest. (I hate the phrase “create visual interest.”)

I am also kind of a fan of this:

I also want trees:

I am thinking of this for the wall at the side of my bed:

I suppose that’s all that’s on my brain. Oh, and I got a haircut: